OK so, dating sucks everywhere, right? And if what my mom says is true, men are notorious for lying about three things: how much money they make, how tall they are, and how big their d*ck is.
Which basically means I am going to die alone in my tiny apartment with an unphased Maine coon wrangling a half-eaten Hostess cake out of my rigor mortis'ed piehole.
But not you dear reader, for this internet dating diva has scoured the world wide web high and low in the wee hours of her pajama-party life to present to you only the finest of NYC's dating pool.
Behold!
Park Slope PONY
The Pensive Artisté with a degree in Advertising and Mad Men. Swears by Apple products and straight razors. Refuses to take off wristwatch during "sex".
Bed-Stuy'S MOST SENSITIVE GUY
Left the Midwest as soon as possible to chase his acting career and wafer chicks with hairy armpits. Loves to show up to the party early with an acoustic guitar strapped to his back. Yeah, he's THAT guy.
Bushwick Bro
Complete with PBR and fixie. Hope you like roommates because he has 5 of them!
Hoboken BEEFCAKE
Wants to know where the protein is, Ma! #broboken
The Bronx BRO
What IS in the water up there?!
East Williamsburg ESE
"Hasidic Jews Gone Wild"
AND DON'T FORGET TO USE PROTECTION. WITNESS PROTECTION.
You're welcome.